Let me introduce you to the window of tolerance. I’m not an expert in this area, but I’ve done a lot of work to regulate my nervous system. This is what I’ve understood thus far.
The different layers of the window of tolerance represent different states of being that the nervous system fluctuates into and out of. The middle layer depicts being in the window of tolerance, which means that the nervous system is out of survival and into a state where it’s easier to thrive. This is beneficial because when I’m in a state of calm & connection, I can easily make decisions that are aligned rather than reactionary.
Having experienced some traumas, like having had cancer when I was young, my nervous system was programmed into survival mode. My default setting rested in the flight/fight layer. This showed up for me as anxiety, hypervigilance, fear, and/or worry. Occasionally, I’d get bumped into the freeze/collapse layer. This showed up for me as exhaustion, overwhelm, helplessness, and/or instant flooding of uncontrollable tears. My default setting got me pretty far in life, but after thirty years, it was time to update my nervous system programming.
💻Update the System Settings💻
It’s not like I didn’t have a window of tolerance. My window of tolerance was disproportionately small compared to the other states, so it was tough for me to remain in a peaceful, collected state. I could get there after doing various practices like energy clearing, meditation, or breathwork. However, I never understood how to stay there. I’d easily be triggered, and all the tools I’d learned to regulate my nervous system would be out the window. This put me in constant recovery mode.
Here’s the kicker. If things started to feel too good, I’d unintentionally create more chaos. Chaos felt normal and comfortable. It’s what I was used to. It’s how I thought I thrived. As I’m disentangling this pattern, I’ve noticed some areas where I would unconsciously create chaos. The areas I’m trying to be more conscious about how I incorporate them in my life include my schedule, travel, exercise, and money.
📋Schedule📋
When I revisited my calendar from two years ago and saw how jampacked my days were, I felt anxious looking at it. Last year, I experimented with taking things off of my plate. It was hard to say no to things. I had so much anxiety around FOMO. However, balancing so many things added an extra layer of stress.
Hence, this year, I deliberately chose empty space on my calendar. I also focused my energy on two main goals: stock trading and book writing. This has really helped me prioritize and say no to things.
✈️Travel✈️
Another place that I liked creating chaos was how I traveled. Two years ago, my husband and I would squeeze in long weekend trips so we didn’t have to use vacation days. It ended up being very stressful and not relaxing. Last year, we took three big trips back to back, which was amazing. We’d never taken that much time off. However, we condensed them too closely together.
Hence, this year, we’re focusing on ease. We’re waiting until later in the year before we plan any trips, and we’re spreading the vacations out so they’re not on top of each other.
🏋️♀️Exercise🏋️♀️
I love lifting weights. However, attending weightlifting classes several nights a week was stressful. First, I had to leave work on time to arrive on time for class. After class, I’d rush home to make dinner. I was constantly rushing everywhere.
This year, I stopped attending classes and started utilizing the weight room in my apartment building. I lift mid-morning, my preferred time. I lift weights at a much slower pace and for a maximum of thirty minutes. In between each set, I center. I check that my body is still in its window of tolerance. After I exercise, I sit in the sauna then take a cold shower.
💸Money💸
I realized that my relationship with money was like a rollercoaster. Because I lived paycheck to paycheck for a long time, every month was a rollercoaster of ups and downs. I’d always have just enough money. I felt a lot of shame for this chaos.
After healing the shame, I imagined what it’d feel like if I no longer related to money like a rollercoaster. Instead of riding in and out of flight/flight and freeze/collapse, what if money felt more like a walk on the beach at sunset in my window of tolerance? My mind was blown that money could feel good.
Breaking up with Chaos
Although I may have been used to living in chaos, it didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel good. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life feeling like shit or not feeling anything because I was numb and dissociated. Because being in the window of tolerance felt good, I wanted to feel like that more often. But it was tough to believe that I could spend most of my day in the mystical world of a regulated nervous system.
It took about three years of working with somatic trauma therapists, energetic NLP healers, and a Psych-K facilitator and quitting my job before I was able to regularly be in the window of tolerance. Once I’d started being in this state regularly, I didn’t believe this could be my life. I didn’t think I was worthy of feeling this good. But, I was even more terrified to return to how I felt before. So, I worked on changing my beliefs.
I now believe that investing in my well-being isn’t frivolous. Feeling good in my body matters. I’m worthy, and I matter.
Key Takeaway
There’s hope. If someone like me, whose nervous system functioned in survival mode for most of my life, can regulate her nervous system and change her default setting to the window of tolerance, you can do it, too.
Being in a state of calm & connection regularly rather than chaos makes me incredibly hopeful. I never thought that I could feel this good in my body. I never even knew that this option existed. I’ve just scratched the surface of how good it can get. I can’t wait to see what happens.