Rocky Start
2023 started out very rocky.
I was on a dev team as an Automation Engineer, which is a fancy name for a tester. For various reasons, coding triggered significant overwhelm in my nervous system, putting me in a severe state of freeze.
Obviously, I knew my reaction to coding was not normal. I observed my colleagues not responding in the same way that I did, which signaled to me that I needed to make some serious changes on my end. In order to figure out what was going on, I sought out help. Lots of help. I couldn’t have done it without the support of many brilliantly talented people.
I learned that the coding environment activated a childhood memory of me as a little girl with cancer. Understanding what was being triggered day in and day out allowed me to give myself some compassion and forced me to work through some big T traumas.
While I’ll always be grateful to coding for forcing me to heal traumas, I also recognized that this working environment made it particularly challenging for me to show up as the best version of myself. The amount of effort required to tend my nervous system was not sustainable. So, I did whatever I could to get off of the project.
In April, I found another project that played more to my natural skillset. The only drawback to the new role was traveling. As I sat in a windowless room in a meeting at a client site, I had this sense that the work I was doing really wasn’t aligned. That this wasn’t my thing. I wasn’t exactly sure what my thing was, and I still don’t, but I knew that there’s something else.
This was a bittersweet moment. I’d given this job my all, and it still wasn’t working. I invested in a lot of inner work to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix it, so I could make this job work. Eventually, I accepted that it’s not me. There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing actually wrong with this job. It’s just that the job isn’t a good fit. It doesn’t work well with my nervous system.
It’s one thing to know that this wasn’t working. It’s another thing to know what’s next.
Finally after many years of searching, I had an inner knowing that the ultimate gift to give myself would be to create my own job.
Turning Point
When August arrived, things shifted into alignment. Alignment had always been a weird concept that I never really understood what people meant. However, I felt as if my orientation had changed. My body’s axis had rotated in a new direction. I saw where the arrow pointed and knew exactly where I was going. Stock trading and my book.
Luckily, these things weren’t something I’d completely pulled out of thin air. I’ve been working on my book for over two years, and I’ve been learning how to trade for a year.
It’s one thing to see the path forward. It’s another thing to take action on it.
So, I did the math. I calculated how much money I’d need to support myself financially for a year. I also calculated how many student loan payments remained from my coding bootcamp.
Then, I felt what it felt like in my body to quit right then and there and what it felt like in my body to wait. While I could have figured it out if I just walked away, I wanted to complete my student loan repayments and collect my bonus. So, I made a plan.
I’d been saving my PTO like crazy. I saved enough for three weeks in Japan, which turned into 4 weeks because we decided to get married when we went to Vegas to see U2 at the Sphere. With one month off in November, I also decided to take advantage of my work’s sabbatical and requested four months of leave.
With the plan in place, I had nothing else to do but wait. So, I waited.
It’s one thing to make a plan. It’s another thing to see it through.
It was excruciating. I did one mini project. Otherwise, I said no to everything else they threw at me because I wasn’t even remotely interested in any of the opportunities.
I sat in the discomfort of being on the bench in limbo. I paid off my coding school debt. I became more and more comfortable with my decision.
Made It!
Fast forward to mid December. I made it. I made it to my sabbatical. I’m not sure I’d recommend my strategy, but it’s just kinda how things worked out.
So Where’s Here?
The words juncture, precipice, or trial period come to my mind. During the next four months, I plan to trade and immerse myself in the stock market. I plan to work on my book and really take it to the next level to get it published. I plan to see what else unfolds.
I’m being called to something bigger. Something where I’m no longer hiding. What’s super exciting is I don’t really know. I’ve inklings. I’ve had dreams that told me to just follow the pings. Whatever pings are.
Maybe I’ll write another book. Maybe I’ll start a business. Maybe we’ll finally buy a house. Maybe we’ll start a family. Maybe all of these things will come to fruition. Maybe none of these things will happen next year.
The one thing I’m hoping and praying for is to turn the trial period into something permanent.
Again?
Haha. Yes. I’m here again. I’m hoping to change careers again. However, this time feels different. I’m not starting from scratch. I’ve come a long way since the last time I changed careers over 2.5 years ago. I’m much more confident in my ability to try something new and figure it out. I know when to seek support and how to take better care of myself.
While 2023 started out rocky, it turned into a year of deep excavation. I spent a lot of time getting quiet, listening, and going inward. It ended in a place where I’ve found solid footing, and I’m laser focused on the direction I’m headed. I’ve built a really strong foundation this past year that I’m ready to start building on.